Opinion: What’s Wrong With American Drivers?
Being an American can be tough these days - our global reputation is terrible. We're fat, we're entitled, and we're destroying the environment. But the one rap that's the hardest to live with is that we are a nation of bad drivers. Ordinarily, I can be counted on to defend the Stars and Stripes, I'm a very proud American. But when it comes to this driving thing, I'm afraid the haters have a point. Take the simple instruction to "merge." You would think that this was a complex phrase requesting that readers do something like pat their heads while rubbing their stomachs. But no, the concept is so simple you can get preschoolers to practice it on the playground with their Hot Wheels. That doesn't keep the guy with a Yale Law sticker on the back of his 3 Series from pretending it's all simply over his head. It's infuriating. The other one that is undeniable is parking. American parking spaces, with the exception of maybe Boston, whose parking spaces are 200 years old, are enormous. Although we arguably have more back-up sensors, cameras, and park-assist functions than most developed countries, people still park like idiots. And parallel parking? It's easier to find a reliable brain surgeon than someone who can effectively slide his or her vehicle along the curb.
Part of the reason that parking is so tough is that we all insist on driving enormous cars. When travelling to other countries, I'm always shocked to see how many family members will happily cram into a micro vehicle. In Thailand, I once saw a family of four and their pet monkey all piled onto a single moped, cruising down the freeway. In the U.S., they'd be in an Escalade motorcade... with a trailer. One of the reasons we enjoy such large cars is because we can. Gas prices are dramatically lower here in the States. So a 70-lb woman driving a 7,000-lb vehicle with no passengers may seem ludicrous anywhere else, but in America we call it Dallas. And if she takes up three parking spots in the process, that's OK - she's not the only one. If you spot an individual in a Hummer, it's not part of a military maneuver, it's Arnold, Fergie, or Paris. The other obvious issue is the manual vs. automatic debate. In the U.S., no one learns to drive a stick. In fact, it's so rare that having a manual car can actually keep it from being stolen, because so few car thieves can drive stick! So even our criminals are lame drivers? Man, that really ruins the majority of the Fast & Furious franchise for me. But in Russia and Denmark, if you drive an automatic car in your driver's test, they'll only issue you a handicapped license. Ouch! Maybe our lame driver's exams are to blame. In fact, it's so universally accepted that our driver's exams are easier than the rest of the world's that if you're German or Canadian, you don't even have to retake the American test. Just show your license in most states, fill out a form, and you're good to go! There's also the fact that the U.S. issues licenses at the tender age of 16. You may be five years away from pounding a beer and two years from being able to die for your country, but go ahead and take that 4,000 pounds of steel and feel free to park poorly and forget how to merge... that'll be just fine. But despite the bloated, gas-guzzling, space-hogging, mindless driving that is the American experience, it's all we've got. It sure beats having to cram myself, my small children and my mother-in-law into a micro, manual diesel. So keep it up, America! And God bless our god-awful driving.
